Written Illusionz V2.0

Afraid to Sleep
Written Illusionz V2.0
Short illusionz
Long Illusionz
Want to talk to me?
Me, Me, Me.

song by Dido

*We slept in this room together but now you're gone*

*It's so quiet I turn the TV on*

 

Lying in bed I look up at the ceiling, once again I can't find sleep. It's been at least a month since I've had a decent night's sleep, and that was when I still had him. Jeff and I had only been married for about a year when we found out he was dying. I remembering crying for weeks, he tried to stay strong though in front of me but he often broke down. I can't stand the silence that used to be filled with his beautiful voice, or even just the sound of him breathing, all of which were comforting to me. Now, I'm alone, I flip on the television that was in the corner of our room.

 

*We lived in this room together-we painted the walls*

 

But instead of really seeing the screen I glace around the room, it was just like we had planned. Sky blue walls, with big fluffy clouds painted along the walls. He was the artist for both of us; I just set and watched content with just being able to watch him. He looked so gorgeous and at peace painting the walls that summer. He'd paint the walls while I usually made us dinner then when he was finished and I had dinner prepared we set out on our patio eating while the walls dried. By this time though, he knew something was wrong with him, he was slowing down. Wrestling was still his passion, which I love too since we were both employed by Vince McMahon, up till our worse fears were confirmed.

 

I remember going to the hospital for a CAT scan that night, Jeff fell awkwardly trying to do the Swanton Bomb and Vince insisted he be checked out professionally. I guess it was probably for the best, but then again, it made everything worse. The scan which we assumed would be clear showed something, something we always knew could be a reality. His mother died from a brain tumor when he was young so we knew it was possible that he could get one too, we just never really thought about it though, until that night. The scan showed something wrong inside his head, that something turned out to be a huge tumor, about the size of a golf ball. The worst thing about it, it wasn't accessible which ruled out the option of surgery to remove it. Chemo was an option, but when it came down to it in the end, we both decided it would be best if we just went day by day spending as much time as we could together.

 

*Now time doesn't stand still-it crawls*

*And I'm afraid to sleep*

 

It's been a month to be exact since the day we said our final goodbyes, time seems to creep by. I feel as though it was just yesterday looking into his enchanting green-eyes, as he said. "I love ya Li. Please don't forget that." I cried into his arms and promised I never would. I watched as a single tear ran down his cheek and he choked back most of the tears. I embraced him tighter than I had ever done before as he took in his last breath, "I...love...you..." he managed to get out before he closed his eyes for the last time. I repeated the words to him, and kissed him softly. I couldn't believe he was really fading away before me.

 

*And I'm afraid to sleep*

*Cause if I do I dream of you*

*And dreams are always deep*

*On the pillow where I weep*

 

When I do find sleep at nights, or during the day, I always dream of him. Of the way he looked that last day, the day I had met him. I'll never forget the times we shared and how I wished for those days back. With the dreams of him, come the tears. I weep like a baby every time those vivid memories come rushing back, as I beg for it to be one big nightmare. What I would do for just one more day, you'll never know. Things would have been different, I wouldn't have been so quiet, and instead I would have been professing my love to him.

 

*I never realized how much I was in love with you*

*Till you started sleeping with someone new*

*Last night I dreamed again and you were there*

*You kissed my face-you touched my hair*

*And I'm afraid to sleep*

 

The dreams at times seem so real that I'm confused at what is real and what is not. I want to tell him that I realize now that I was wrong in wanting to wait to have children, I want to take that back so much that it kills me inside little by little everyday that I see a picture of him or hear someone mention his name. I wish so much that I wouldn't have been so selfish about my looks that I didn't want to chance ruining my career by having a child, because I realize I killed a part of him. A part that I should have let live, in that unborn child that I kept from the world. I now realize that I loved him more than I ever admitted to anyone, not even him. I want him to know that I would do everything differently if I had another chance with the exception of marrying him because that was the best thing I've ever done in my life.

 

*Cause if I do I dream of you*

*And dreams are always deep*
*On the pillow where I weep*

*Lying alone in the darkness*

 

I turn off the TV because it only reminds me of the late night shows we used to watch together, cuddled up under the cover. He'd hold me close making me feel like I was safe no matter where I was or what was going through my mind. He always knew how to chase away the monsters of my life by just the touch of a hand or just one word. I flip of the lamp on my nightstand and stare into the darkness, it looks so empty in the dark, just how I feel inside. No one understands my decision to remain Mrs. Jeff Hardy till the day I die. They say let live and let die move on, but I can't. I'm alone in the darkness thinking of him, the way I'll remain for years to come.

 

*With a memory in my head*

*There's a big hole where my heart is*

*And a lonely feeling rolling round in my bed*

 

Sleep found me for a moment, but dreams kick in overdrive. I can see the day he proposed to me, we were on a tour in Asia and we were sight seeing. At one of the sights he knelt down on one knee in front of hundreds of people we didn't know and people we did know and worked with and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes even though we hadn't really known each other that great, I didn't care though because I knew I loved him. The memory ripped at my heart as I opened my eyes, I rolled over expecting to find him, but instead only found and empty space, I put my head on my arms crying out into the night, I wanted him back. It wasn't fair that he had to leave me. I feel all alone in a world that is continuingly passing me by.

 

*And I'm afraid to sleep*
*Cause if I do I dream of you*

*I'm afraid to sleep*

*Cause if I do I dream of you*

*And dreams are always deep*

*On the pillow where I weep*

*I'm afraid to sleep*

 

I cried myself to sleep once again, like I often do. But just like always minutes later I was wide awake again, I couldn't take it anymore. I reached over to the nightstand pulling open the drawer and taking out the pistol. "I'm sorry Jeff, I can't do this," I said holding the barrel to my head. "I love you." I said before pulling the trigger. Bang! Darkness becomes me.

(C) Abigail Louise Wotring