*I want love*
*To carry me through*
I looked across the room at my beautiful
boyfriend of almost four years, Adam Copeland. He was deeply involved in checking his email; he's been getting quite a few
messages since my dad had them set up a section on the WWE website for fans to email him since his neck injury. I'll admit
it's been a load road so far for his recuperation and we still have five months till he is fully released to go back to work,
but I love being with him more. He unconsciously hums to himself while replying to numerous fans' letters. Right now he is
the anchor in my life because as many can see, my father and I aren't exactly getting along, what you see on TV is just about
the truth in our case.
However, I know that even if my father
and I can't fix things Adam's love for me is enough. I know he isn't going to betray me like so many others. I pity my mom
for marrying such a scumbag; he's always pushing everyone's damn buttons. I'm surprised he's still alive to be hones because
I know he's done some horrible things to tones of people.
"Mornin' Adam," I said setting up
our bed pulling my hair back into a loose ponytail. "How long have you been awake?"
He slightly jumped from the startle,
"Good morning angel," he said rushing to my side to plant a kiss on my cheek. "I've been awake since 5:00, I couldn't sleep."
I look at the clock, 10:30, I couldn't believe I had slept that long but on the road when Adam can't be with me sleep is hard to find. I'm always
afraid to close my eyes when my dad, well him and his floozy, are so close. "Wow, why didn't you wake me?"
"Because I know that you need sleep,
you always look so rough when you come home to me. Steph, maybe I should go with you next time and then no one can push you
around, I won't let them." He said looking me straight in the eyes with his hand on my cheek, "you deserve better. Why don't
you just quit? I'm sure you can get a good job around here."
*All the moments, I'd kindly undo*
*Locked away*
*So I can feel safe*
He knew I had been considering handing
over all my job positions for the WWE of late. But he also knew that I couldn't, but I would in a minute if I could because
that's the only way I can feel truly safe, that and when I'm in Adam's arms. As much as I'd love to leave I couldn't do that
to everyone in the company, the wrestlers and other employees. My dad would make it so hard on them that they'd all leave.
But then maybe that wouldn't be so bad everyone could find better jobs with loving bosses and my dad would loose tons of money,
but, yes another but, many of the wrestlers no nothing else other than wrestling. The choices are just so hard.
Noticing the lost look in my eyes,
Adam embraced me and held me tightly in his arms. I never wanted to leave as I cried openly into his chest, "Sweetheart, you
and I both know that you can't continue like this. Please quit? Or let me go with you." He offered once again.
"Would you really go with me?" I ask
knowing his answer.
"Of course I would! So it's settled
I'm heading to Baltimore, Maryland with you tomorrow."
"Thank you so much Adam, this means
a lot to me."
"Hey it's no problem, you think I'd
complain about spending more time with my lovely girl?" I smiled at him, he truly was the best. I know that a lot of girls
are jealous of our relationship though, hell I've even gotten a few hate letters because of it and we aren't even really open
about our relationship for that reason. But then if someone asks we are honest about it because neither one of us believes
in lying to fans. "I love you and I hate seeing you like this so I'm going to protect you from the asshole this time and every
other time I get a chance," he kissed me.
~*~
Even though Adam came with me to Baltimore, he wasn't
able to protect me the whole time. I told him to go talk to some friends because I thought I'd be fine for a few minutes in
my office alone. However I didn't know that my dad was watching my room waiting for him to leave.
"Did your knight in shining armor
actually leave you alone?" he asked poking his head around the door.
"Get out of here dad!" I screamed.
"Leave me the hell alone."
"What fun would that be?" he asked
entering the room with Sable right behind him. "Lock the door sweetheart."
Sable attentively listened. "Now what
honey?" she asked, laughing shortly.
"Hmm...I don't know," he grabbed a
handful of my hair and threw me to the floor. "Oh did that hurt?" he laughed. "I thought maybe you'd like to watch me and
Sable for awhile so you can get some ideas of what a real relationship should include. But I don't think you're worthy enough?
What do you think Sable?"
"She definitely isn't worthy, Vinnie.
Why should we help her out with Adam? He'll get bored enough with her soon anyway. Actually," she placed her finger to her
lip, "I'm surprised he hasn't yet."
*Now
that I'm down on my knees, begging for a change*
I get to my knees, placing my hand
on my aching scalp, "Please dad, just leave me alone," I begged. "I'm not hurting you! I never have!" I cried.
"Oh, lookie Sable, she's begging for
us to leave her, how about we bring our special surprise in for her?" Vince nodded toward the door.
"With pleasure," she stood up from
his lap and opened the door, "Come on in Albert," she stood back to allow him to enter then locked the door once again.
"We thought you should have a little
fun, and well we needed him to do some dirty work for us and well we thought you'd be a good reward for him doing well." Vince
started.
I cried as I looked at the monster
behind my desk, and then weep harder seeing Albert looking at me, he was a monster too. "Go on Albert, she's yours for now,"
my dad tells him.
I feel his hands grab a hand of hair
as he pulled me up from the ground. I couldn't look at him so I closed my eyes. He threw me up against the wall and shoved
his tongue in my mouth while his hands unbuttoned my shirt. He caressed my breast with one hand while he tried to unzip my
skirt, all the while my dad and Sable just set and watched. He moved his mouth down my neck as I heard the door knob being
turned, and then the sound of pounding on the door followed. "Help me Adam," I yell before Albert covers my mouth with his
huge hand.
Before long Adam kicked the door in
and Albert released his hold on me, I bolted from the room as fast as I could and ran right out of the building without even
re-buttoning my shirt, I just wanted out of there as fast as I could. I didn't care where I was going in particular I just
wanted to be gone, I felt so ashamed of myself yet I knew it wasn't my fault. I ran till I came to a bridge, I have always
felt calmed by water so I made my way down the water's edge. Adam didn't follow me; I guess he must have stayed to beat the
shit out of my dad. I feared that Albert would hurt him though but I couldn't think like that, I need to stay away from there.
*Look down at the water*
*Before
I jump in*
I stand there staring at the water
ripple under the moonlight, thinking about committing suicide. I didn't want to think about anything anymore, my dad had gone
too far this time I'll never forgive him. I feel so dirty, my dad shouldn't have been staring at my body like he was. I hate
him, I hate him so much. I wade into the water until it is up to my waist, I don't even care that it was freezing. I can hear
Adam calling for me in the distance. I don't want to hurt him, but it's just so hard.
From the bridge, he saw me standing
in the water. "Steph, What are you doing?" he yelled, running toward me.
"I want to die," I admitted to him.
He waded into the water right beside
me and pulled me into his arms. "Don't say that." He cried. "I love you! And I don't want to lose you; you know that I'd go
crazy without you. Now do you really want to die or you just lost?"
*To find I was sinking, fast in all
that might have been*
"I know you love me," I wept. "But
you weren't there, you didn't see what happened. My dad let Albert touch me. And no I don't want to die, but I probably would
have ended my life if you hadn't have found me."
"The asshole, I hit him, but not hard
enough. Are you ready to quit now?"
*What I need is an honest answer,
to make things better?*
*You can see now my hands are tied,
and I surrender*
"Should I?" I looked at him even though
I know damn well I have no other choice. My dad was finally getting what he wanted for so long.
"I can't tell you what to do, it's
your choice. But Steph whatever you decide I support you one hundred percent.
*So I'll wait here for your final
answer, your final answer*
He held me tightly, while I took some
time to think about it, like I actually needed to but I did. "I'm quitting." I told him.
He sighed from relief, "I'm glad to
hear that, sweetheart. One question though, before you quit can you get me released from my contract?"
"Why? What are you going to do when
you have no job to come back to, Adam I can't let you destroy your career for me, and I'm not worth it?"
"Shh, of course you are but I was
thinking that I could go to one of the other wrestling organizations like NWA-TNA, I'm sure they'd be interested in signing
me."
"Well then let's get back and get
the process on the road, since today is my last day as General Manager. I just hope my dad doesn't make things too horrible
for everyone else working there."
"You can't worry about them, they'll
survive. If they don't like Vince's attitude then they can get out just like you."
"True," I hugged him. "Thank you."
*Is there love without hate*
*Is
there pleasure without pain*
"Adam?" I whispered walking back to
the arena.
"Hmm?" he squeezed my shoulder.
"Would I love you so much if I didn't
hate my dad as much as I do?" she asked.
"I don't know, I'm not even sure if
I understand what you're asking," he admitted.
"What I guess I'm asking is if you
think someone can actually love someone if they don't have hatred for someone else. Does that make sense?"
"Yes, it does. And I'm not sure, I
guess not because if you hate someone close to you then that makes you loves someone that much more."
"That's what I thought." Now I'm not
sure if I truly love Adam, I mean maybe I think I love him because he's always been there for me when I needed someone. I
feel like crying because I'm so confused.
~*~
Back at the arena I filled out my
resignation papers, and started the process of releasing Adam, it was the least I could do. "Here you go," I handed him the
proper release form. "Now you have to get my dad to sign it, and while you're there will you give him this?" she said handing
him her papers to quit.
"Sure, I'll be right back then we
can leave. Okay," he asked.
"Yeah," I reply without looking in
his direction. As soon as I know he's gone, I gather my belongings and went outside to the cab I had waiting for me. I directed
the driver to the hotel Adam and I were staying in, hoping that I could get out of there before he had a chance to find me.
"Can you wait for me? I won't be long?"
I asked the driver as he pulled up to the front of the building.
"Sure Miss," he said killing the engine.
I ran inside and up to the room grabbing
all my things as fast as humanly possible. Taking a moment I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled Adam a note so he wouldn't
think my dad had had someone do something to me. The note read: "I'm so sorry Adam but I had to leave. Please forgive me,
I'll be fine. I just want some time to think, I'm not sure I can still be with you though even though I still love you." I
kissed the paper and quickly signed my name. "I love you," I whispered walking out the door.
"Where to Miss?" the driver asked
when opened the cab door.
"Anywhere but here," I sighed. "Take
me to the airport please?" I found the first flight to the west coast and booked myself a seat under a fake name, yeah I actually
stooped that low but I didn't want to be found.
~*~
*I have seen all my mistakes*
*I
have cast you out, but now I want you back*
It's been almost a month since I left
without a word. I still haven't gained the courage to call Adam and explain myself; I don't think he'd care. I haven't heard
from him but I have heard that he isn't doing so well. Nidia told me that he seemed to just snap when I left. I've realized
my mistake in leaving and I want to return so much that it hurts. I just don't want to hurt Adam any more than I have already,
he means too much to me. Nidia said he became somewhat of a hermit now as well as an alcoholic.
The phone rang and I answered it saying
a short hello. "Stephanie," Nidia started.
"Yeah?"
"You need to go home," she said sniffling,
I could tell she had been crying.
"What happened, Nidia?"
"It's Adam, Steph. He's gone crazy,
he won't talk to anyone. All he does is drink nonstop; he's given up all hope. He needs you."
"He doesn't need me!" I scream, "Look
at him, I've ruined his life. This is all because of me, me! I can't come back. I'll destroy him."
"You have to, or...or he'll end up
killing himself." Nidia didn't want to tell her just how bad it actually was. "Stephanie, I haven't been completely honest
with you about him."
"What haven't you told me?"
"He was just released from a mental
institute, he tried to commit suicide."
"Oh my god you have to be lying."
"I'm not Steph; it hasn't been pretty
since you broke his heart."
*So light me again, because my heart
is turning black*
I begin hating myself for what I put
him; I know that I have to go back. I have to explain to him that we can't be together anymore. I hurt him too much; I don't
deserve to be happy. "I'll be there soon, please don't tell anyone though."
"I promise, and hurry."
I hung up the phone and called for
a cab, then called the airport for a one way ticket home. "Thank you," I said hanging up the phone. I just prayed I hadn't
waited too long for him. I need him to be okay.
~*~
My cab from the airport dropped me
off in front of what I used to call my home; I stared for the longest time at what it looked like. If I didn't know better
I would have sworn it had been abandoned. It was a mess, actually it looked like what I felt my heart probably resembled.
I carefully walked up the steps and knocked on the door. I didn't hear anything so I knocked again, slightly harder than the
last time. "Hello," I yelled.
"The door's open, come in," I heard
someone moan. I pushed open the door and looked at the sight before me; it looked like a tornado had wrecked havoc through
the house. Tears escaped from my eyes when I looked at everything I had worked hard on for the house, I wanted everything
to look perfect and now it looked like shit, but then I have no one to blame other than myself.
"Adam," I call out spotting him slouched
on the couch, a rag over his eyes. "Adam?" I repeated when he seemed not to hear me.
"I hear you, what do you want?" he
screamed. "You're just a figment of my mind; you're never really coming home to me." He yelled.
"I'm real, I'm home." I said reaching
out for him. When our hands touched he pulled back pulling the rag from his face.
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
"Bullshit," he picked up a beer bottle
from the stand and tossed it against the wall. "You don't care about me! You don't! So don't lie to me. I've had enough lies
for a lifetime; I don't want to play games Stephanie!"
"Neither do I," I cried. I had not
imagined how bad he would look. I could see faint scars across his arms and wrists. "What happened?" I asked pointing.
"Like you want to know?" he spated.
"I care about you, I'm really sorry,"
I put my arms around him and held on tight even though he protested. "I want to be with you, please forgive me. Can you?"
*What I need now is an honest answer,
to make things better*
*You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender*
*So I'll wait here for your final
answer*
I watched him and he seemed to think.
"Of course I can. Steph, I want to hate you, and I should but I can't. I want answers though. Why did you leave like that?"
"Because Adam, I was ruining you.
I was pulling you down with me in my sinking ship. I loved you too much. I thought things would be better like this but they
aren't. Not for you, not for me, not for anyone so please let's try again."
"I'd be glad to; oh...I guess you
haven't heard have ya."
"Heard what?"
"Your dad, someone shot him one night
after a show. He held on in intensive care for days but he never came out of the coma. The bullet lodged in his head."
I know I shouldn't have been happy
but I was, I felt a tremendous amount of relief flow through my body. "What about Sable?"
"She disappeared, the next night to
be exact."
"Any ideas to who it was."
"Many but no one can think of where
to begin, there's millions of so called leads."
"So no more him destroying us, making
us miserable. We are finally free." I kissed him passionately. "I love you."
"I love you; please don't ever leave
me again."
"Okay, I won't. I promise ya that.
If I leave you're going too."
"Good," he said. "Let's go celebrate."
I went to my room surveying the damage
he had done to the house, it wasn't too bad considering everything I guess, it could have been worse. I grabbed a satin blue
dress that Nidia had gotten me the year before for my birthday and quickly slipped it on, wanting to get back to Adam as soon
as I could.
When I got back to where I left him,
he was standing in the hall. He was well shaven and looked as though he had taken a shower. "You look better," I kissed his
neck.
"Thanks, you look absolutely stunning
yourself."
"Thank you," I smiled and linked my
arm with his. I couldn't believe that he loved me as much as he did, if I were him I would have given up on me long ago but
not him. He was wonderful.
*Remember the night you wore that
dress*
*it flowed through our lips*
*Drink after drink and kiss after
kiss*
*I'm still holding on, day after day*
*Don't run away.*
*I want love to carry me through*
*Can
you tell me what I'm supposed to do*
*What I need now is an honest answer,
to make things better*
*You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender*
*So I'll wait here for your final
answer*
